This not-working,this not-feeling like mopping againthis cleaning out dusty corners,is BORING.I sit and stare at my phone,willing an arm to justreach out of it and pull meinto the next chapter.
I
scribbled this not-poem into my journal exactly two weeks ago, on the
girls' first days of school. I have always worked to provide for my
family, to serve and better the world, to make my days meaningful.
Yet, since the probation of my nursing license began in February of
2016, I have not worked a day. The Board of Nursing denied my home
birth practice as a work site for my probation, (without being able to
provide me with a single reason why, I might add). Nonetheless, with
that work site denial, they shut Sacred Ways Midwifery down.
I
used the first four months of my probation to dive into a creative
project that had taken on a life of its own. In late June, I
completed my manuscript, a midwifery witch-hunt and travel memoir
titled Relax,Nothing is Under Control; A Family Pilgrimage to India.
I was grateful for the space the BRN's shenanigans had made during
those weeks when I lived, breathed, and dreamed my book. Now my
manuscript is being shopped to literary agents, a process that
mostly involves – molasses. I mean, waiting.
While
the languid summer heat stretched its arms across our Sacramento
Valley, reality settled itself like a blanket over my summer plans.
Sure, go camping, go to festivals, have fun with your family, but
also, it is time to find a job. Two reasons: 1. I cannot
finish my probation and clear my license if I do not work for six
months as an RN. And, 2. there is the eensy teensy matter of living
off of our dwindling savings for the past months because my husband
earns about half of what we need for our monthly budget. Yikes.
So
between family trips, I went in search of RN jobs, figuring I could
land a position in OB, family planning and reproductive services,or home health. All of which I am extremely qualified for
and experienced in. For the first twelve of these jobs, I
was turned down , due to my license being on probation. Ouch. Big
Ouch. Each interview involved walking in wearing organic lip gloss
and my grown-up clothes, carrying my fat Board of Nursing probation
folder to explain with an outer smile and an inner wince that I am a
wonderful Yale trained nurse with twenty years of experience who just
happens to be on probation but you really should consider hiring me
anyway. And each time the sinking feeling I got as I was smiled at
and told “You are amazing and over-qualified but No Way” was like
swallowing a stone.
While
camping up at Juniper Lake, at music festivals in Oregon, and on Mt
Shasta, I lay in my sleeping bag while Adam and the girls snoozed
around me and grappled with these things: I may end up surrendering
my RN license because no one will hire me! I may have to move away
from Chico to work, or commute three hours to the bay area, or look
for RN work in prisons, or go back to school to learn an entirely new
profession, or, or or.
My
friend Kelly came over one evening and looked at my home office, with
my wall of beaming, baby-holding mom photos. “You need to take
this bulletin board down. And put up something else. Something
representing your present, not your past,” Kelly said. So we took
down the pictures and cleared out my closet of birth supplies. The
following morning I made a new bulletin board display; a few of my
favorite birth photos, along with pictures from India and Nepal,
pictures of my family, of my ancestors, of Burning Man. It felt
well-rounded, beautiful, and more representative of ME.
Tranforming
my office seemed to work a bit of magic. On the thirteenth job
interview, I was hired for an RN position in a local convalescent
home. But I still cannot work a day until the Board of Nursing
approves the work site for me. Which could take....? A month?
Two? And will this new employer be patient enough to wait for that,
really? It seems so, although I am done counting chickens when
it comes to RN biz.
Ten days ago I received an email with a job offer that combines my
three loves: Midwifery, travel, and teaching. While the pay is
minimal, the position is very part-time, so I can also work that RN
job my license depends on. I have been hired as the Global Service
Learning practicum instructor for the Birth Institute, and I leave
for a month in Guatemala next week, taking four students to learn
from Mayan midwives at ACAM, a Mayan-run birthing center in the
Western Highlands:
Check out this incredible organization for the preservation of Mayan Midwifery here!
Suddenly I have a calling besides a sink full of dishes, a purpose besides shopping for kids' school supplies, career moves that are beyond scrolling for RN jobs I know I will be turned down for. It feels that there are building blocks for my future in global maternal/child health being set. I feel inspired, fired up, happy to be using my skills and talents instead of watching them lie fallow and whither away. I am grateful for this opportunity provided by the dynamic team at the Birth Institute and will keep the community posted of my experiences among the Mayan midwives of Guatemala.
Abrazos!
Dena
